If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
