i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His nipple licking is glorious
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