Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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