Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's always time for handjobs
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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