i was rollin on her like bob the builder
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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