my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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