turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
