i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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