Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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