Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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