The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
