I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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