First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
