You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
