Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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