dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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