Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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