I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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