trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize