this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
