got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
