once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
