i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
