Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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