she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
