The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
