At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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