You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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