I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
