Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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