He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
