Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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