i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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