Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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