Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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