it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
