Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Randomize
