remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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