im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
