Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
