I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
