He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You are a genius and a whore.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
