i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
