i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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