hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
