I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
