You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
