i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
