God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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