I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
a search helicopter?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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