my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it's not cheating when I paid for it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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