Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
