I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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