Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
