I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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