How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
