It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
